I’ve just realised that the only time I thought about drinking today was when I drove past a wedding venue and I thought about drinking champagne. I didn’t have any pangs during the witching hour (ie. when I make tea around 6pm) or after I put the kids to bed. I seem to be able to slip into non-drinking quite easily, but that also means I slip back into drinking quite easily too – I’m trying to stay aware of that.
Right now I’m reading ‘Mrs D is going without’ and there is so much I identify with, especially when she talks about those hours in the middle of the night, waking up, still drunk, but with a pounding head and dry mouth. Actually, the physical stuff I can cope with – water and painkillers are never far away. It’s the mental stuff that goes on at that time of night, don’t ask me why, but at 4am it feels like the world is collapsing around my ears. I panic about work, the kids, my health, stuff I’ve seen on the news. It’s irrational I know, and it also happens (not to the same degree) when I’ve not been drinking, but then I can reason with myself, plus I can get back to sleep. When I was going to AA I learned that this happens because alcohol suppresses a hormone that keeps you awake and when the alcohol wears off it comes back with a vengeance. I don’t miss that mental torture. At. All. Not. One. Bit.
The title of this is plodding on, but actually, the last few days haven’t really felt like plodding. I’m on Day 15 today (not that I’m focusing on the number of days) and I think I might have even been experiencing a pink cloud. I love that when I’m sober I’m satisfied with simpler things like a bit of gardening, baking a cake and listening to my kids read. I don’t feel the need to escape into a fantasy world (Real Housewives anyone?). I’m more prepared to tread a middle way as opposed to existing on either end of a spectrum (I probably need to explain this). For example, I’m trying to learn a language, and the recommendation is to study for 1 hour a day. I can manage this for maybe 2-3 days but I don’t really have the time and other stuff suffers, so then I jack it all in for a few months and try again. An alternative option is to do say 10-15 minutes a day, much more manageable and achievable, but of course, it’s going (I think) to take longer to learn. It won’t really, but then again there’s really no rush…yet I’ve lived my life trying to get to the end of my to-do list, which like being the first car on the road, is just not possible. The universe is in a constant state of flux, everything is always moving, there’s always stuff that needs fixing, cleaning, doing etc, and that feeling makes me incomplete. Sometimes I think I drank so much to drown out this feeling, which of course meant I did less and exacerbated the problem. Am I making any sense? In any case, when I’m not drinking, I am more prepared to take things as they come and not try to control events. Usually controlling events was all about ensuring I could drink, and drink a lot.
That’s enough from me for now. S x